How to Survive being Alone

 Am I alone? Is alone not just a state of mind?

I don't know where to start with this, yet inside of my heart, where truth and honesty and acceptance reside, I know the answers lie there within. The longer I am single, the more access I have to this protected, mostly ignored and pushed aside part of my heart. The longer I am single, the more desire I have to search for these answers in order to both gain and keep up my strength.

I tell you, that my strength wanes, rattles, tilts, and shakes; more than I can begin to describe. For the most part this "strength", it is merely a shell, a cocoon inside which the true and vulnerable, the loving and forgiving side of me takes shelter. I thrive in here, I can own my thoughts, plan how to paint the outside of this shell so people are entertained, awed, made to laugh or cry, by the creations of the me inside. Oh yes, we are all decorators of our outer casing. Whether we realize it or not. My imagination runs wild. I can be funny and cheeky, sexy, independent, angry, and so much more...all the while inside my heart may be breaking, my mind tortured by loneliness or worry. Yet I would never paint this outside for the world to see, well until now that is. My fears are waning, my concern with being judged fading, my confidence at an all time high. Long may this last.

So now I paint, I decorate and write and slogan my outside shell with truth and honesty, tears and fears. I do this to reach out, to let people know they are not alone and that I am human and destructible like everyone else, and that I am not afraid to say it. In fact there is a fragile beauty to this side of me; of us, as human beings. There is no shame in admitting our pains trials and tribulations. It takes a STRONG and BIG person to do this.

I have been alone now, by alone I mean without a partner, husband or boyfriend, for almost 3 years. I've played; I've tasted; travelled and sought comforts of the flesh. I've really enjoyed these sometimes brief, sometimes marginally more substantial encounters, and I've learned much from them. I've learned finally what "I" need, want, desire. I am knowledgeable and unshifting in my expectations of future relationships, and I don't think I can settle for anything under par to these needs. I am alone but I am a student, and the lesson for now is far more poignant than having a partner just so I'm not alone. I hope this makes sense....

I also now believe that there is not just one person for us for life. I believe there is a person for each stage of our lives. So for me, I feel I have many stages..ha! I've been through many, and loved each partner at each stage no less than the one before, and I am assuming I have many more stages ahead of me. Yay! No, but in all seriousness, I absolutely believe this in my heart. Maybe some couples last longer because they don't change and shift through as many stages as some of us? I don't know, but I know this "study time" I am in, this time as a pupil, has set this knowledge in concrete in my mind and heart.

I am happy, truly, in entirety, maybe for the first time in my life. Maybe for the last time in my life, who knows? Who knows what torture or pleasure tomorrow may bring. Today I am content, at ease and smiling. This is what matters. So "surviving alone" for now, is a walk in the park, an absolute joy and gift.

God knows I've been lonely. I have reached out and latched on to men I had no business being near, wrong for me, too needy or too blind themselves, men with no insight or desire to have insight to themselves. I know I need a soul mate, a soul searcher, and an inquiring mind. Someone who can handle me and enjoy life, really truly live it and suck every last drop out of every day with me. An adventurer, but with a head on his shoulders. If I meet him great, if I don't that's okay too.

I remember with great detail the feeling of being destitute and like you will be alone forever, the disappointment and the fear this creates deep in our bellies, the nervous feeling it generates. It does pass, and you are strong. Keep thinking of that shell and keep painting it with who you want to be perceived as, until one day you are not ashamed to paint the true you. Then, perhaps, your soulmate will have the chance to recognize you and find you. Who knows? But hiding behind what you think people want to see will only hinder this search and perpetuate this aloneness that you are experiencing. That's just my two cents worth. I am no therapist.

Start small. Be open. Give people a chance. People surprise me now every day. Goodness and vulnerability are so clear in others once you are showing these attributes from within yourself. Love yourself as much as you can. I don't want to sound yoga on this, so saying "love yourself" makes my stomach churn, hence why I am a realist and follow that up with "as much as you can". I'm always here as an ear. I'm so open about myself, but I am deep as the ocean when it comes to other peoples hearts.