How to Survive Dealing with a Confused and Unsettled Mind
Well, today started and continued in the same vain as it commenced; confusing, unsettling and to be all round honest, utterly dismal. I have no idea what it is exactly that is troubling my thoughts, I have kept busy all morning, walked the dogs, sent emails, cooked soup, cleaned and re arranged my sons bedroom....I even did my workout first thing. Yet even amidst all this distraction, hustle and bustle, I was, and still am, ill at ease.
I have had some friends that I have gotten close to recently, perhaps too close, perhaps too many expectations on myself and them. I tend to do that. I tend to jump in feet first and hope I surface to air after I plunge into the water. Sometimes, this surfacing to take that very much needed breath, is harder and longer than I had previously hoped. You become red in the face, desperately reaching for the top, using all your energy and strength and force of will, only to discover when you do hit that surface, that what you thought you were jumping into, was absolutely nothing like what you had expected when looking down on it from the rock above before you jumped.
It is fascinating how I project futures into things and people. I have always been that person, the dreamer, I see my entire life every second of every day, imagining and conjuring different ends and middles as I go. With one lover, I may see 2 children and a boat in Corfu that we visit in the summers. With another lover, I picture no more children, a humble home, hiking, adventure holidays to South America, and scuba diving in Indonesia. And yet another one may inspire an imagined future of one of us having illness, and how this either brings us closer together, or tears us apart. Anyhow, you get the picture. I see the future with someone, I plan it then, set my goals and plans in place, and then I find out that this person, this poor unfortunate soul, who had no clue about this being the way my over active mind works, throws a spanner in the works by saying they are moving to Spain, or don't like diving and are afraid of the water, or just simply can't think beyond what we are going to do tonight, if we even are meeting up.
I must laugh. I must learn and see and alter this silly pitfall and snag in my personality. It is probably what draws men to me at first. I am, I suppose, a character, I do enjoy the "what ifs?" and the "what do you thinks?" in life. I flourish in conversation, and getting closer through our pasts and our futures in order to live in the present. I find it enthralling meeting a new man, how they grew up, first girlfriends, first kisses, were they rebellious teens, are they smart, do they love children, can they handle that I am not into sports, can they play an instrument, can they do anything quirky and unique, do they love their mom, are they happy, who is their best friend and why, best and worst moment in their lives so far...all that stuff. It just makes me see how someone ticks, and I love that. I love seeing someone smile at a memory, a feeling. I love to provoke as I have said before.
I think this provocation is turning into my enemy at the moment though. I am going too far. I know I am. I am pushing boundaries, when I should be letting things progress naturally. Oh why am I so bloody impatient and impulsive? Why do I feel the need to blurt every God Damn thought that comes into my brain, out of my gob? What am I like? I am frenzied for information, and also for affirmation. Tell me, love me, need me, want me, hear me, make me the one who fixes you and makes your life BETTER! In the famous 3 letters of the youth today - WTF????? Get a life Vicki Kiely! I mean I have a life, and a great and full one...but I need to calm down, slow down, and take time to savour it and taste it.
So my friends, I am going to stop busying myself, stop fretting, stop. I am going to sit after I finish this, and gather my thoughts. I am going to drink tea (still too early for wine ;) ) and I am going to be alone and settle this unsettled mind, as much as possible. I think if I put my thoughts in order, and the occurences that led to this point in with rational perspective, that I can find a way out of this confusing maze, and enjoy this swim at the surface. I jumped in a couple months ago, so it is surely time to breathe, and swim, and lay back in this water with my face to the sun with my eyes closed, and just float, and listen to my heart beat, my quiet thoughts. I will try. I am a very good trier just so you know, I just don't always achieve. Hahahaha!
I have had some friends that I have gotten close to recently, perhaps too close, perhaps too many expectations on myself and them. I tend to do that. I tend to jump in feet first and hope I surface to air after I plunge into the water. Sometimes, this surfacing to take that very much needed breath, is harder and longer than I had previously hoped. You become red in the face, desperately reaching for the top, using all your energy and strength and force of will, only to discover when you do hit that surface, that what you thought you were jumping into, was absolutely nothing like what you had expected when looking down on it from the rock above before you jumped.
I must laugh. I must learn and see and alter this silly pitfall and snag in my personality. It is probably what draws men to me at first. I am, I suppose, a character, I do enjoy the "what ifs?" and the "what do you thinks?" in life. I flourish in conversation, and getting closer through our pasts and our futures in order to live in the present. I find it enthralling meeting a new man, how they grew up, first girlfriends, first kisses, were they rebellious teens, are they smart, do they love children, can they handle that I am not into sports, can they play an instrument, can they do anything quirky and unique, do they love their mom, are they happy, who is their best friend and why, best and worst moment in their lives so far...all that stuff. It just makes me see how someone ticks, and I love that. I love seeing someone smile at a memory, a feeling. I love to provoke as I have said before.
I think this provocation is turning into my enemy at the moment though. I am going too far. I know I am. I am pushing boundaries, when I should be letting things progress naturally. Oh why am I so bloody impatient and impulsive? Why do I feel the need to blurt every God Damn thought that comes into my brain, out of my gob? What am I like? I am frenzied for information, and also for affirmation. Tell me, love me, need me, want me, hear me, make me the one who fixes you and makes your life BETTER! In the famous 3 letters of the youth today - WTF????? Get a life Vicki Kiely! I mean I have a life, and a great and full one...but I need to calm down, slow down, and take time to savour it and taste it.
So my friends, I am going to stop busying myself, stop fretting, stop. I am going to sit after I finish this, and gather my thoughts. I am going to drink tea (still too early for wine ;) ) and I am going to be alone and settle this unsettled mind, as much as possible. I think if I put my thoughts in order, and the occurences that led to this point in with rational perspective, that I can find a way out of this confusing maze, and enjoy this swim at the surface. I jumped in a couple months ago, so it is surely time to breathe, and swim, and lay back in this water with my face to the sun with my eyes closed, and just float, and listen to my heart beat, my quiet thoughts. I will try. I am a very good trier just so you know, I just don't always achieve. Hahahaha!
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