How to Survive Being Divorced/Separated over the Holidays!
Well this is a touchy subject for me, I mean who goes through a divorce and actually says they want to spend ANY sort of time with their ex, never mind the very sacred and special day that is Christmas. I have been a single parent now for 3 years and this will be my 4th Christmas dealing with/or not dealing with (fingers crossed, and toes, and eyes!) the drama that is dished up with the turkey and stuffing!
1. WHAT WORKS FOR YOU? - You know, it is different for each couple. Some; those lucky few; WHOLE, CHILLED, RESPECTFUL, SWEET and UNDERSTANDING, kind of folk (I do NOT fit in this category may I quickly add!) manage to all sit down together, swap gifts, and eat their Christmas dinner without wanting to stab their ex with the carving knife, or even the butter knife, should that be closer at hand. I learned my limits very fast the first year which was I would say up there in the top 3 most awkward, frustrating, irritatitng, skin crawling and cringe worthy moments of my entire life. I will not divulge the details, as I do not wish to re visit those feelings or those memories ever again.
2. DISTANCE - As the years pass I have learned that keeping distance, keeping quiet, and trying to be fair, are the only tools to get one through this kind of situation. I mean, it really should apply to all situations that follow a divorce/separation, but lets be honest here, it is hard. It is bloody hard. It is excrutiating and hard. I like to think I can "Man Up" and do it for the sake of the children, but screw that! For the sake of the children, I have learned that staying the hell out of one anothers way, is the ONLY way forward. We live in a new world, where a family is not the "unit" that it was in my youth. Children adapt, children accept, children are smarter than we think, and they also prefer a happy peaceful life. Christmas is sacred to youth, and parents bickering should not mar this ever so special day in the year. How selfish I would be to allow that? Either take every 2nd year, or split the days. Thats if you aren't one of the couples I referred to in point 1.
3. MONEY- Holy Mother of God! And yes, she is relevant, she did give birth to Jesus. Yes I call to her on this oocasion and beg for sanity, and for my mind to think kind thoughts (about the ex). Money is always an issue for divorced couples. I and my ex are from entirely different ends of the spectrum when it comes to spending and gifting. He is far more frugal and practical than me when it comes to Christmas (which is absolutely fine), except that I am giver and love presents, especially giving presents, and suprises, and the parties, and the entertaining. So with all this in mind, my bills tend to add up. Of course this is not his issue....but splitting the Santa bill and other gifts for family has become a hair pulling, painful and drawn out chore that I dread from the March before Christmas...as I know what is coming. I don't know what to write here as advice to be honest. This is a survival blog, so best I can offer is, one year its you, next its them. I think that is how we will attend to it this year anyhow....haha! Watch and see for updates!
4. SHARE - I tell my children to share all the time. I tell my students to share. Therefore I must and will practice what I preach. Share the time, share it equally. That is if they are a good parent. If not well seek legal or police intervention here. We are not the sole people in our childrens lives, and it is important to make the other parent feel just as adequate and needed at this time of the year. Have your children make a card for your ex, or pick a gift, or both. It is a time to be a little softer. I know it is difficult and draining, but try a little bit of sharing and compassion.
5. TREAT YOURSELF - It is okay to treat yourself to something nice. A day in the spa. The watch you have had your eye on for a few months. A weekend away with your lads or gals. A weekend away on your own. When you are a single parent, you tend to get forgotten. I used to sulk and feel sorry for myself the first couple of years, and then I realised, it isn't about me, its the children. Ha! This lovely pure thought lasted roughly ten minutes til I thought, "BUGGER THIS! It IS about me too!" We all deserve a treat at Christmas. So I give you my permission to go and spoil yourself a little bit. As a single parent, you spend a lot of your time giving. In fact 99% of the time, be that at work to provide, or at home to take care, soothe, feed, play with, bathe, entertain and that is just to name a few of the million things on our lists. Taking care of yourself is just as important, and you should not feel guilty about it. It doesn't make you a bad parent, it can only enhance your skills as a mother or father, and make you happier in this role as a parent.
6. FUN - Get out and have fun. Give your ex the children and go and run amuck! It is silly season, and why the hell should you miss out? In fairness, you don't have to go nuts hitting the bottle every day....but certainly allow yourself a good few nights both in and out, celebrating the holidays with friends and family. It is a time of release and goodwill. Milk it, enjoy it, savour it. You earned it. You bend backwards for the small people in your life and it is important to reward yourself. I guess this ties in with point number 5. But there is nothing wrong with driving an important message home! Right?!
7. DON'T EAT TOO MUCH! - I am single, and I am hot blooded, and I will be damned if I am going to pile on 10 pounds, and say "Ah well, it is Christmas time, you're allowed to get fat!". I am not allowing this. All in moderation. Control yourself people! I feel very strongly about this, both from an aesthetic point of view, and a health one. Mince pies are not all that. Egg nog is horrid and loaded with calories. Turkey is lean and good for you, red wine in moderation too. Gin and Tonic is the best option...just saying.....low calories and high fun! And this time where we do over indulge is the most important time to get out walking or running 3 times a week. Do not make this your New Years Resolution. Just keep yourself in check. If I can do it anyone can! I honestly mean that.
8. DATE - This is the time to go on a date. Be brave. Be bold! Meet that guy or girl that your friends have been telling you about. Nothing wrong with a little tipsy canoodling at this time of the year! Again, you have my permission! It is hard to be single at Christmas time. But it was harder to be with that person you left/divorced, so be thankful for that. If you don't get some action over the holidays, that is okay too. Be happy. Happiness will push the loneliness aside, and thats when magic happens and things that you least expected. Just be open...
9. SING - Sing all the carols with your children, tell all the stories and re live what was magical for you as a child. We are already driving our neighbours mad with the music and singing (sometimes more like howling) in this house. My children are learning Rudolf the Red Nosed Reinedeer on the piano and it is a ceaseless banging of the keys in slow uncertain patterns to the notes! But for the first time, I am not telling them to stop. I am smiling. It is adorable and festive, and I am loving every single second. I may draw the line at Jingle Bells though, it does "do me ed in!"
10. BE MERRY - Be merry, be happy. I know that is easier said than done. I had to say it though, as the rule is EAT, DRINK and BE MERRY!
Have a wonderful loving drama free Christmas! Hail to singlehood, and love this singletown! xxx
1. WHAT WORKS FOR YOU? - You know, it is different for each couple. Some; those lucky few; WHOLE, CHILLED, RESPECTFUL, SWEET and UNDERSTANDING, kind of folk (I do NOT fit in this category may I quickly add!) manage to all sit down together, swap gifts, and eat their Christmas dinner without wanting to stab their ex with the carving knife, or even the butter knife, should that be closer at hand. I learned my limits very fast the first year which was I would say up there in the top 3 most awkward, frustrating, irritatitng, skin crawling and cringe worthy moments of my entire life. I will not divulge the details, as I do not wish to re visit those feelings or those memories ever again.
2. DISTANCE - As the years pass I have learned that keeping distance, keeping quiet, and trying to be fair, are the only tools to get one through this kind of situation. I mean, it really should apply to all situations that follow a divorce/separation, but lets be honest here, it is hard. It is bloody hard. It is excrutiating and hard. I like to think I can "Man Up" and do it for the sake of the children, but screw that! For the sake of the children, I have learned that staying the hell out of one anothers way, is the ONLY way forward. We live in a new world, where a family is not the "unit" that it was in my youth. Children adapt, children accept, children are smarter than we think, and they also prefer a happy peaceful life. Christmas is sacred to youth, and parents bickering should not mar this ever so special day in the year. How selfish I would be to allow that? Either take every 2nd year, or split the days. Thats if you aren't one of the couples I referred to in point 1.
4. SHARE - I tell my children to share all the time. I tell my students to share. Therefore I must and will practice what I preach. Share the time, share it equally. That is if they are a good parent. If not well seek legal or police intervention here. We are not the sole people in our childrens lives, and it is important to make the other parent feel just as adequate and needed at this time of the year. Have your children make a card for your ex, or pick a gift, or both. It is a time to be a little softer. I know it is difficult and draining, but try a little bit of sharing and compassion.5. TREAT YOURSELF - It is okay to treat yourself to something nice. A day in the spa. The watch you have had your eye on for a few months. A weekend away with your lads or gals. A weekend away on your own. When you are a single parent, you tend to get forgotten. I used to sulk and feel sorry for myself the first couple of years, and then I realised, it isn't about me, its the children. Ha! This lovely pure thought lasted roughly ten minutes til I thought, "BUGGER THIS! It IS about me too!" We all deserve a treat at Christmas. So I give you my permission to go and spoil yourself a little bit. As a single parent, you spend a lot of your time giving. In fact 99% of the time, be that at work to provide, or at home to take care, soothe, feed, play with, bathe, entertain and that is just to name a few of the million things on our lists. Taking care of yourself is just as important, and you should not feel guilty about it. It doesn't make you a bad parent, it can only enhance your skills as a mother or father, and make you happier in this role as a parent.
7. DON'T EAT TOO MUCH! - I am single, and I am hot blooded, and I will be damned if I am going to pile on 10 pounds, and say "Ah well, it is Christmas time, you're allowed to get fat!". I am not allowing this. All in moderation. Control yourself people! I feel very strongly about this, both from an aesthetic point of view, and a health one. Mince pies are not all that. Egg nog is horrid and loaded with calories. Turkey is lean and good for you, red wine in moderation too. Gin and Tonic is the best option...just saying.....low calories and high fun! And this time where we do over indulge is the most important time to get out walking or running 3 times a week. Do not make this your New Years Resolution. Just keep yourself in check. If I can do it anyone can! I honestly mean that.
8. DATE - This is the time to go on a date. Be brave. Be bold! Meet that guy or girl that your friends have been telling you about. Nothing wrong with a little tipsy canoodling at this time of the year! Again, you have my permission! It is hard to be single at Christmas time. But it was harder to be with that person you left/divorced, so be thankful for that. If you don't get some action over the holidays, that is okay too. Be happy. Happiness will push the loneliness aside, and thats when magic happens and things that you least expected. Just be open...9. SING - Sing all the carols with your children, tell all the stories and re live what was magical for you as a child. We are already driving our neighbours mad with the music and singing (sometimes more like howling) in this house. My children are learning Rudolf the Red Nosed Reinedeer on the piano and it is a ceaseless banging of the keys in slow uncertain patterns to the notes! But for the first time, I am not telling them to stop. I am smiling. It is adorable and festive, and I am loving every single second. I may draw the line at Jingle Bells though, it does "do me ed in!"
10. BE MERRY - Be merry, be happy. I know that is easier said than done. I had to say it though, as the rule is EAT, DRINK and BE MERRY!
Have a wonderful loving drama free Christmas! Hail to singlehood, and love this singletown! xxx
Come to Dublin and spend Xmas with me Twinny!!! xxxx
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