How to Survive a Lovers Quarrel.

All couples argue, bicker, grate on one another’s nerves, or totally drive one another mad at one stage or another. Or at numerous stages perhaps! I am a feisty one, which is no secret, as I am sure most women are. We are more manipulative, cunning, better with our cutting words, and dress our mud slinging up with ribbons and bows to make the man feel completely and utterly at fault, and left wondering what he did, but feeling like what ever it was, that he did it! Ha!

I must admit that I do not like this type of argumentative behaviour, and as I age, I am learning to make the effort to stay calm, and say nice things, and try to talk it out as opposed to SHOUT it out! I said I try, so believe me that this is not always how things play out. I can be just as vicious as the next woman. I am fearless in the arena of matters of the heart. I am “good at” this dance we do as couples. Now, bear in mind that at this very moment in time, I am without ties, without even a lover for the time being. I am retracing my past and using my memory to write this survival blog today….nothing is fresh, should you be seeking gossip and scandal ;)

Right, lets get down to business…..what are the “10 rules of Surviving a Fight with your Partner!”?

1.    LISTEN – It is imperative that you listen to one another. This may prove difficult as she is screaming at you, at a level you are certain only dogs can hear. When she is asking (well throwing them) you questions, and then answering them for you, before you have even had the opportunity to process what the question even was.  This shrill piercing in your ears, making you wonder what you ever found attractive in this person in the first place? That gorgeous smile and twinkly eyes, are now morphed into a freak show, eyes more like the devil, and very far from the angel that was batting her eyes at you 3 months ago at the party you first kissed at. Who is this demon in front of you? Why is she suddenly something to be very afraid of, and makes you feel like running for the hills, to curl into a ball, and try to pretend you didn’t just actually witness that! Just nod and agree, say sorry and take her in your arms, even against her will. That is what we want, apologies and affection. Honestly. For the girls, well in fairness, you need to calm down. Look at his face. Most likely it is a blanket of confusion and dismay. You are causing this. You my girl, need to calm down and hear both yourself and him. Everyone needs to LISTEN to eachother!

2.    DO NOT NAME CALL – I hand on heart despise name calling. I am above that, and I am smarter than that. I have enough vocabulary and common sense to be able to avoid this bottom rung behaviour. I expect that from my partner too. It is mean and damaging, and utterly not acceptable.  I often say to my friends when they are arguing with their significant other, that if someone else called their girlfriend a “fucking stupid bitch”, what would they do? Same to the girls. We all know full well what they would do, they would lose it. Don’t stoop to this crass and horrid level of debate and argument. No one wins, and words last a life time. What you say can never be unsaid. Remember that the next time you feel the urge to abuse your supposed loved one like this.

3.    EMAIL – The best way to apologise, or make amends, is by email. This way you get to vent exactly what you are feeling, or make your case known, without the other person having the chance to interrupt you, or cut you down, or walk away and leave you hanging. Nothing gets resolved when this kind of scenario starts to play out, so email is truly the best option. Try to write with sensitivity, compassion, and understanding. See both sides. This is where you get to be an adult, and someone who cares. You state both of your cases, and explain then why you felt the way you did and how you think your partner can help so it doesn’t happen again. Reach out, be a human, not an animal. We get so much further with empathy than blame. It is just a fact. People want to be understood, and also made to understand their lover. You do love one another after all. Mind one another. Nurture each other. It is that simple. Disagreements are part of life, it is how we get past them and resolve them that matters. The blow from harsh words can take a lifetime to heal. Remember that. I have a dear friend who believes email to be the worst way to handle a situation, but in my experience it has been productive. I suppose you must gauge your partners’ personality and work with that.

4.    ADMIT DEFEAT – There are going to be those times when it just is “ All your Fault!” When this is the case, when you know you messed up, no matter how trivial or tremendous the mistake may have been, this is when you say sorry. Convince them that you will do everything in your power to make sure that it never happens again, but remind your loved one that you are human, and prone to err, and beg for their forgiveness. Do NOT remind them of the time 5 weeks ago when they messed up…that is in the past, as should this issue be today, once it is resolved. Bringing up old fights is never productive. We all know this!

5.    KEEP OTHERS OUT OF IT  - Possibly the worst thing you can do when arguing with your partner is to get other people involved…unless there is a chance of physical violence, and if that is the case, I strongly urge you to break up yesterday! Seriously. And I know women can be just as, if not more, violent as men. Your friends do not know your dynamics really. They should not have to referee two grown ups bickering about 

 eg:HER: “Who was the girl you were talking to outside?”

HIM: “I have no idea, she is a friend of a friend, she was asking about where to go next round here.”

HER: “Bullshit...Sarah, you saw him flirting with that girl didn’t you? You even asked me if I knew who the slag was!? Right?! Back me up here!”

SARAH: “Erm…”

Sarah then awkwardly excuses herself, and wants to DIE!!!! Am I right? You know I am. Leave your mates enjoy their night out. Your shit is not theirs. Grow up and let it go. Who cares if a girl has a chat with your fella, or vice versa. Bloody hell, jealousy KILLS me. I hate it. It has to be the most unattractive and disgusting trait a person can have. If you are that unsure of yourself in your relationship, then get out. Jealousy will eat away at you, until it destroys everything you have. This is a FACT!

6.    KNOW WHEN TO WALK AWAY – If it is getting out of hand, and you are both making such a scene that you are worried someone is going to call the police, I suggest you getting into a taxi and leaving her or him with their friends, turn off your phone, go to sleep, and talk tomorrow. When alcohol or other substances fuel us, we are not in a state to negotiate or compromise. These are the times you step away. It is the best advice I can give to any one in the heat of some irrational and irresolvable argument! Tomorrow is always a better time. Sleep my friend and re group.

7.    BREATHE -  Hahahahaha! I am just putting this in now as I put it in all my blogs. It really should be my number one piece of advice for every and any tricky situation that one needs to survive through! Yes, breathe. Breathing always helps! ;)

8.    SPACE – I am not so sure that I agree with this one, but I have it on advice that this is a good strategy to help sort the said quarrel. I do see the merit in it. I know that a few hours, or even day’s downtime can definitely ease the tension between a couple. Don’t leave it too long though….you may wait that little too long and drive your lover into the arms of another ;) I personally need immediate gratification. I don’t like festering, and I don’t want to hold a grudge. If I am the one upset, I need my man to come to me and wrap his arms around me and tell me its ok and that he still loves me. That is my Achilles. I wish I wasn’t built this way, with this fragility that can so easily be shattered. My need to be loved and forgiven and accepted is palpable. I work on this aspect of my personality every day. I hope none of you, or few of you, struggle with this same need, and that you are able to heal and forgive in the space that is provided. I think I implode in space. I dread that feeling of being shut out, and alone. Fingers crossed one day this will not be the case. My friend always tells me that he needs the space to figure stuff out, and then feels coming together and discussing calmly a day or two later makes all the difference in finding a resolution, and making up. I like this idea...maybe I could try it one day...you too!

9.    SET RULES AND BOUNDARIES – It is important to know one another’s limits. There are many things I will categorically not accept. Name-calling is one, slamming doors and accusations are another, and bringing up old shit is an absolute no-no. I am sure that there are more, but I am just giving a few examples.  Don’t push your luck, or them. I have no idea why we do this? What sort of satisfaction comes from testing someone elses boundaries? We are a sick species when I think if it sometimes. Cruel and self fulfilling morons! Treat your partner with the respect that you want to be treated with. If your goal in your relationship (both of you I mean) is to keep the other person happy and know that they are supported and loved, then how can you go wrong? That is really the golden ticket to a happy relationship.

10.  BE KIND - Be kind to one another. Love one another. Respect one another. If you can't do these things for the person you love, then I would question whether you are meant to be together or not. We all argue and bicker. We all have limits and frustrations, mood swings, good days and bad. Just allow these failings to exist in your partner too, and perhaps then you will be a little gentler, a tad sweeter, a smidge more generous with affection and kind supportive words.....

Love is difficult, but rewarding too. xxx