How to Survive the Feeling of Detachment from Love...
The past 3 and a half years have been a trip, that is for certain. It has been time that sometimes felt was passing in slow motion, and at other times so fast that it recalls as a blur, a whoosh of colour, feelings, and faces in one swish of memory. My life has always been colourful, I mean most would say dramatic, but that is ever so much of a cliche that it just irks me and irritates me. Yes I studied acting, and yes am a singer....drama queen? Perhaps...Yet I am not casting titles of personlaity types on to ANY people; so I would rather people learn to keep their negative damaging opinions to themselves, for the most part.
I went through a divorce, no easy feat I tell you, as I am sure many know, and the majority can imagine. I am strong. I am. I get the FUCK up every time. I am weary from the pulling myself up, but I do it...this is my stamina. It seems though, that all of this hardiness of character, has started to take its toll on me. I am stressed. I have started to lose my hair now from stress, stress that I did not even know was there. I am so driven by the goal and the getting on with it, that I think I became numb to a lot of pain and suffering. Now that is catching up with me, I won't lie. Brutal honesty being my number one attribute and all! ;)
I have (and I daren't fable on this matter either) met a number of men over the past 3 years. I went to town after my divorce in regards to dating and window shopping...a few tastings along the way were very enjoyable too. Yet I am coming to realise a very cold and eye opening truth about myself....my ability to fall in love....I don't know where it is? I was always the one jumping in head first, with impetuous declarations of my love and adoration of the person I was seeing. I think I could have tricked myself into falling in love with anyone! I was the romantic. Hence why nothing had substance or lasted. I am the magpie, I see something shiny and new, and have to pick it up, steal it if I have to..and then oh so quickly, once feelings are reciprocated, I wake up in a cold sweat and realise I am no more in love with this person than I am with a nettle sandwich! It is tragic! I am a selfish cow who has with no regard railroaded through these "try you on for size" relationships, and lept out, as quick as I jumped in!
It is the ability now I surmise to separate love and sex. I think I always had this ability, but I hated it. I am a Catholic for God Sake! You don't have sex and not be in love. But I do. We all do. Or should! I ask myself the question every night recently, "Do I want a partner, someone to share my life with?" Jesus, it is a tricky one. Go back to that sharing, bickering, who's side of the couch, what show to watch, why the loo seat is up, how come I can't have a glass of wine at 4pm, where were you all night? You know? It is a lot. I am free now, and have been for 3 years or more, and it is liberating. I have not been lonely yet. Til very recently that voice keeps asking that question....and I think I would. I think I would enjoy someone to hang out with, cook with, drink with, chat to, confide in. I think all the stress mentioned above is a direct tribute to the fact I DON'T have anyone like a husband or boyfriend to turn to when the going is tough. So I instead just pretend all is well and soldier on.
I am addicted to the first phase, the crazy desperate can't get enough phase. The kisses that are like a drug, you can't get enough, your mind driven berserk with thoughts of your lover, the last night you were with them, remembering every touch, whisper, kiss on your neck, hand on your face, fingers in your hair, stroking your leg ever so gently, leaving you breathless and praying for that very moment to never end. FUCK! It is awesome isn't it? Then once that is gone...phase 2....forget about it! I have no interest in this part whatsoever at all. Give me the first kisses, the daily fantasies of what we will do the next time we meet, and how the last time felt. Give me that ANY any day over "Pick up your socks!" or "Where is my wallet, I know I put it here, seriously! You MUST have seen it?!" you know? And the sad thing now is that I know this phase (phase 1) isn't love....it is infatuation. And I love infatuation. I believe in that. I want that. Maybe this in itself explains my detachment from being able to "fall in love"?
I know phase 2 is the settling down part and the hard rough road, and phase 3, the final road, where you become more companions than anything else. If you can make it to phase 3 "Hats Off" to you, I mean that. And there is definitely a hankering deep down inside of me to find someone that I could perhaps get to this level with. It just means having to go through a whole heap of crap to get there. Am I ready for that again? Am I ready to face possible failure at yet another relationship again? I am not sure. Now I am a mother, I have other people to consider, and that come first. Oh its a conundrum this LOVE thing!
So to my survival list to those of you who may identify with anything of what I wrote above.
1. Speak Out - Do not internalise. I am lucky to have 3 very very close guy friends, who I literally tell everything to, and I would not have made it through the past few years without each of them. They are my anchors and my brothers. I probably have not confided as much the past while, but now I am waking up to these realities about myself, I will be leaning on them more again....sorry fellas! :) My girls are always there, and very insightful. As women we tend to do that, help analyse and understand the situations we are faced with. I cherish their support and advice, but at the end of the day it is the male perspective that I need to know, so that if I do decide to take on this challenge ever again, I know how to do it right.
2. Be Open - When you do date, be open. Don't force something that isn't there. It will end for the worse, and it is your time that is wasted. Time that you can not get back. I must say here though that I have no regrets, the men I met have been some of the most interesting inspiring people in my life so far, and I am also still in contact with most of them. They fixed me. I owe them everything. That sense of fun and freedom, and just having a laugh without the constraints of a relationship, were exactly what I needed out of a divorce, what everyone needs!
3. Don't Wallow - You have been given a 2nd chance at life and love. I hope the feeling of detachment goes away, but there is no point dwelling on it....this perpetuates the emotion I believe. Maybe take a break and see what happens. As one of my male friends mentioned above said, I asked him how can I make space for love? There is no room left in my heart anymore? And he said, MAKE SPACE, clear out the clutter, that lovers and friends with benefits take up that space. I don't know if this is essentially true, but I am taking it on board for the future.
4. Discover Yourself - Use this time of detachment to find who you are again. Re invent if you want. Do the things you wanted to do before but held back for love.....maybe on this journey love will find you!
5. Believe - Winds of change are always blowing, we are constantly changing. Love is endless. When I think about how I love my children, my family and my friends, the love only gets more, more intense and more special. Of course there is room for more love. Just, romantic love, is that pain in the ass one!!!! I know it sucks, but its a true story! Right?
6. Be Busy - For me finding a cause and something to fight for has really helped me. It has given me focus and passion. I am actively working to free captive dolphins in Asia and stop the drive hunting and culling in Japan and Indonesia etc. It has breathed a new life into me, and its the best feeling ever. Maybe through this I can find someone, someone of a like mind, a sweet soul but with an edge of character. Hehehehe! My perfect man! As if one exists?!!! And there is nothing more attractive than someone with passion and drive. It is infectious. I know that now I have this passion, love will be a bonus, NOT my everything. That is how it should be. Then I am not losing out either way.
7. Have Fun - The best thing to do in this period of change is to be with friends, enjoy them, enjoy being free and alone. Learn to be comfortable alone. That is the key. I am not ready yet to share as I said. I LOVE my space, my bed to myself, no one commenting on my habits etc. Yet this will pass, I am a social person and I love affection, I am tactile to the point of major irritation most of my exes tell me, so I will definitely need someone to snuggle up to at some stage soon. Lovers are great. It is no strings, no complications, no shit and all fun and antics. There is nothing wrong with this. It is 2014. I am a grown woman. I am enjoying myself for sure, but I am coming to a stalemate; I can feel it. The question is hanging there over my head in pulsing and bold presentation on a daily basis now...Do I believe in Love? Can I fall in love ever again?
8. Don't Settle - This is the biggest one and the whole reason I think I am feeling like this at the moment. There are so many things that I outright refuse to put up with now, that I wonder can any man make me happy!?! Honestly. I am suddenly selective and have high standards, because when I give, I give big, huge in fact...I want that back this time. I want that level of love and dedication. Tough one isn't it?
I don't have much more to say really. I am happy and sad at the same time. I might end up alone forever. I need to be okay with that. We all do. We all need to live in the now, and that is what I do. So these feelings of lacking the ability to fall in love are just going to have to go away now for a while so I can get back to being me and having fun! Big Love guys xxx
I went through a divorce, no easy feat I tell you, as I am sure many know, and the majority can imagine. I am strong. I am. I get the FUCK up every time. I am weary from the pulling myself up, but I do it...this is my stamina. It seems though, that all of this hardiness of character, has started to take its toll on me. I am stressed. I have started to lose my hair now from stress, stress that I did not even know was there. I am so driven by the goal and the getting on with it, that I think I became numb to a lot of pain and suffering. Now that is catching up with me, I won't lie. Brutal honesty being my number one attribute and all! ;)
I have (and I daren't fable on this matter either) met a number of men over the past 3 years. I went to town after my divorce in regards to dating and window shopping...a few tastings along the way were very enjoyable too. Yet I am coming to realise a very cold and eye opening truth about myself....my ability to fall in love....I don't know where it is? I was always the one jumping in head first, with impetuous declarations of my love and adoration of the person I was seeing. I think I could have tricked myself into falling in love with anyone! I was the romantic. Hence why nothing had substance or lasted. I am the magpie, I see something shiny and new, and have to pick it up, steal it if I have to..and then oh so quickly, once feelings are reciprocated, I wake up in a cold sweat and realise I am no more in love with this person than I am with a nettle sandwich! It is tragic! I am a selfish cow who has with no regard railroaded through these "try you on for size" relationships, and lept out, as quick as I jumped in!It is the ability now I surmise to separate love and sex. I think I always had this ability, but I hated it. I am a Catholic for God Sake! You don't have sex and not be in love. But I do. We all do. Or should! I ask myself the question every night recently, "Do I want a partner, someone to share my life with?" Jesus, it is a tricky one. Go back to that sharing, bickering, who's side of the couch, what show to watch, why the loo seat is up, how come I can't have a glass of wine at 4pm, where were you all night? You know? It is a lot. I am free now, and have been for 3 years or more, and it is liberating. I have not been lonely yet. Til very recently that voice keeps asking that question....and I think I would. I think I would enjoy someone to hang out with, cook with, drink with, chat to, confide in. I think all the stress mentioned above is a direct tribute to the fact I DON'T have anyone like a husband or boyfriend to turn to when the going is tough. So I instead just pretend all is well and soldier on.
I am addicted to the first phase, the crazy desperate can't get enough phase. The kisses that are like a drug, you can't get enough, your mind driven berserk with thoughts of your lover, the last night you were with them, remembering every touch, whisper, kiss on your neck, hand on your face, fingers in your hair, stroking your leg ever so gently, leaving you breathless and praying for that very moment to never end. FUCK! It is awesome isn't it? Then once that is gone...phase 2....forget about it! I have no interest in this part whatsoever at all. Give me the first kisses, the daily fantasies of what we will do the next time we meet, and how the last time felt. Give me that ANY any day over "Pick up your socks!" or "Where is my wallet, I know I put it here, seriously! You MUST have seen it?!" you know? And the sad thing now is that I know this phase (phase 1) isn't love....it is infatuation. And I love infatuation. I believe in that. I want that. Maybe this in itself explains my detachment from being able to "fall in love"?
I know phase 2 is the settling down part and the hard rough road, and phase 3, the final road, where you become more companions than anything else. If you can make it to phase 3 "Hats Off" to you, I mean that. And there is definitely a hankering deep down inside of me to find someone that I could perhaps get to this level with. It just means having to go through a whole heap of crap to get there. Am I ready for that again? Am I ready to face possible failure at yet another relationship again? I am not sure. Now I am a mother, I have other people to consider, and that come first. Oh its a conundrum this LOVE thing!
So to my survival list to those of you who may identify with anything of what I wrote above.
1. Speak Out - Do not internalise. I am lucky to have 3 very very close guy friends, who I literally tell everything to, and I would not have made it through the past few years without each of them. They are my anchors and my brothers. I probably have not confided as much the past while, but now I am waking up to these realities about myself, I will be leaning on them more again....sorry fellas! :) My girls are always there, and very insightful. As women we tend to do that, help analyse and understand the situations we are faced with. I cherish their support and advice, but at the end of the day it is the male perspective that I need to know, so that if I do decide to take on this challenge ever again, I know how to do it right.
2. Be Open - When you do date, be open. Don't force something that isn't there. It will end for the worse, and it is your time that is wasted. Time that you can not get back. I must say here though that I have no regrets, the men I met have been some of the most interesting inspiring people in my life so far, and I am also still in contact with most of them. They fixed me. I owe them everything. That sense of fun and freedom, and just having a laugh without the constraints of a relationship, were exactly what I needed out of a divorce, what everyone needs!
4. Discover Yourself - Use this time of detachment to find who you are again. Re invent if you want. Do the things you wanted to do before but held back for love.....maybe on this journey love will find you!
5. Believe - Winds of change are always blowing, we are constantly changing. Love is endless. When I think about how I love my children, my family and my friends, the love only gets more, more intense and more special. Of course there is room for more love. Just, romantic love, is that pain in the ass one!!!! I know it sucks, but its a true story! Right?
6. Be Busy - For me finding a cause and something to fight for has really helped me. It has given me focus and passion. I am actively working to free captive dolphins in Asia and stop the drive hunting and culling in Japan and Indonesia etc. It has breathed a new life into me, and its the best feeling ever. Maybe through this I can find someone, someone of a like mind, a sweet soul but with an edge of character. Hehehehe! My perfect man! As if one exists?!!! And there is nothing more attractive than someone with passion and drive. It is infectious. I know that now I have this passion, love will be a bonus, NOT my everything. That is how it should be. Then I am not losing out either way.
8. Don't Settle - This is the biggest one and the whole reason I think I am feeling like this at the moment. There are so many things that I outright refuse to put up with now, that I wonder can any man make me happy!?! Honestly. I am suddenly selective and have high standards, because when I give, I give big, huge in fact...I want that back this time. I want that level of love and dedication. Tough one isn't it?
I don't have much more to say really. I am happy and sad at the same time. I might end up alone forever. I need to be okay with that. We all do. We all need to live in the now, and that is what I do. So these feelings of lacking the ability to fall in love are just going to have to go away now for a while so I can get back to being me and having fun! Big Love guys xxx
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