How to Survive Divorce.....even when it is almost 5 years in!
Look, I have been divorced a long time now; and it has been no easy road.....why I ever decided to marry that individual will forever be a conundrum to me. I knew from the get go that we were a magnanimous mismatch, a total doleful disaster; yet I accepted the ring, I made the vows, and all with a niggling in my mind that I was making a massive mistake.
I had given birth to my son, whom naturally, we both absolutely adored. It was with his birth however, that the real cracks in our rushed relationship started to present themselves....the pregnancy was tough, he was always at work or in the gym or at rugby. I was so far down his list of priorities I may as well not have existed for him. I started to carve my own life, I didn't fight him on the fact that I never saw him. I am not being high and mighty here, I just didn't care to have him around, he caused me anxiety and put me at ill ease. I should have listened to those warnings.
Then my gorgeous son came into the world, 5 weeks early, weighing the same in pounds (5 pounds, well just under). He was premature, tiny, sweet, and the first love of my life. I was besotted. I had wanted to be a mother since I was 12, earlier even. It came so naturally to me, and he filled that hole (he had even occupied that void of my lack of connection with my ex, when he was in my tummy) he was my soulmate, and having him in my arms was all I needed. So we drifted further as a couple. We struggled with values suddenly...having a child makes you really wake up to what you deem important in life, allows you to see with clarity your unbending morals and life principles. We were screwed on that one fact alone. I never felt more distant and disconnected with my ex than I did those early years of my children's lives. We had entirely opposite agendas. Nothing could be agreed upon. I am not saying he was all at fault or all wrong, we were simply two different players, in two totally different games.
I got lost in early motherhood. We got pregnant when my son was 4 months old...way too soon. I carried that baby for 4 months, I could feel that life, I was attached to it.....but it was not to be...the babies heart beat stopped at 16 weeks pregnancy. I was devastated. My ex seemed concerned for me. He was away on a rugby tour when the surgery was happening, knowing that I was losing the baby, he still went on the trip. I was numb. I didn't care. His feelings didn't matter after that decision. He chose to not be there, and I chose to not let that get to me. I had my son to come home to, and I would be fine. I guess this got to him and he felt bad. He proposed to me one night in the city in a really nice restaurant, and had a ring I thought was lovely, and I thought well he has made an effort, and clearly cares. I said yes. He didn't quite ask me to marry him, he said "Would you please take care of me and our son for the rest of our lives?" Seemed sweet enough.
So, we did it, tied the knot. I was never comfortable with it. I didn't look at him with undeniable love. I don't think I even respected him anymore. We struggled on. I conceived my daughter on our honeymoon, and she was born 7 weeks premature.....this hit us hard. We dealt with this so differently. Again, my mothering gene kicked in strong, and I was devoted to making sure she was getting stronger. 4 weeks in NICU, half of that time on life support....it was harrowing. We took her home and he drifted further from my consciousness. He was never around us.....when he was he irritated me. I hadn't felt that before. The irritation. It was tangible. I wanted away, I didn't really want to see him ever again. Yet I stuck it out, as I had taken vows, and my kids loved him. Maybe the feelings I had when I first met him would come back? Yeah right! Nope....things got progressively worse, we were rotten to one another, we were spiteful and mean. I finally snapped and realized I would not be spoken to like that, and I certainly didn't like the woman I was becoming...angry, irritable, unfulfilled. After one massive row, I said he had to leave. It was torture, he wouldn't believe me that I wanted out. I could not have been more serious and certain. I was done. The switch had flicked and I was checking out. Once that switch goes for women, there is no turning back. Right up to that point, I would have forgiven him, tried to make it work, asked for forgiveness myself...but I had been pushed past the point of no return.
I filed for divorce and it was vicious. He became unrecognizable to me. I wanted to be divorced as fast as possible. I am impatient as anyone who knows me knows, and when I want out, I want out YESTERDAY! So we eventually got through it, all the nuances and fine details....an agreement was reached, and I was free........funny word that "free"; I am still not "free" from this person.
I am going to put down 10 things I plan to do to try to make this work for me and my kids, and my new relationship. I need to be happy for my new venture. I am falling for my best friend, and it is a beautiful, calm, and respectful pairing. It has taken time to find its meaning and worth, but we are here, together, and moving forward with hope, building a strong foundation to work off....we have both been hurt and helped one another through these hurts. Thats what brought us together in so many ways. I refuse to allow the poison from my last relationship have any impact on this new one. He deserves better than that, and you know what? So do I.
1. KEEP EMOTION OUT OF MESSAGES AND INTERACTION
Don't bring your feelings and opinions into exchanges with your ex. I really recommend all divorced or estranged couples do this. Be clear and direct in all your messages. Stick to the facts.
2. INTERACTION SHOULD ONLY BE TO DO WITH THE CHILDREN
Unless it effects the children don't make contact. Stay out of your exes life and their carryings on. Only interfere if it directly impacts your children, or causes them strife.
3. STICK TO THE DIVORCE AGREEMENT
This goes for both sides. Do your best to own your responsibilities as a parent, and an ex spouse. Trailing through the courts chasing maintenance and child custody should not be happening 4 years in.
4. NURTURE THE RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR CHILDREN AND YOUR EX
No matter what happens, your ex is the other parent to your children. This role is vital in their lives. You need to do all you can to nurture that, and allow them to "be together" as often as possible. No talking badly about your ex in front of your kids, they hear these things, and take them into their minds. Protect the children from this kind of abuse.5. TRY TO LET GO OF THE RESENTMENT
This is harder to practice than preach. Each has their own story, their own pain. Divorce is not easy. It takes part of your soul without doubt. Look after yourself. Forgive yourself, and them too. If you need help doing this, please seek it out. You can only be truly free when you deal with this once and for all.
6. BELIEVE IN LOVE AGAIN
Not all people are your ex, and not all people will bring out the same qualities in you. Believe that you are worth your weight, believe you are worth being loved, that you are a good person, a good parent, a good friend. Yes that relationship did not work, but maybe that is because your soul mate is the next person you meet, and you had to go through all of this, learn all of these lessons, to be with this new person. This pain has shaped you for the better, believe it or not. You know what you want now, you know your limits, in many ways you are in a better position than many others. Own this, and go for it! You deserve love!7. PREPARE FOR THE FUTURE
Be independent. Allowing yourself to rely on an ex financially is a big faux pas. Stand on your own two feet. Prepare for the future, make sure you have health insurance, start to save, be smart with your money. You are responsible for yourself in this life, a court may say you are owed something, but don't go on that alone. Who knows what will happen. Maybe your ex will never work again, maybe you will end up fending entirely for yourself and your children. Prepare for the worst case scenario, and of course hope for the best.
8. BE HAPPY AND LOVE LIFE
Allow yourself to be happy. This ties in with the "letting go", but I want to drive this home. You need to find happiness. You don't have to fall in love, or be with a new person to be happy. That comes AFTER! Once you are happy, all else starts to fall into place. I can testify to that.
9. SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE AND EMPOWER OTHERS
Sharing what you have gone through truly empowers others, and cleans out your own head space too. If you can release the demons, you are on the road to happiness. Talking with people and being rational really helps the healing process. You would be surprised how many people are going through similar experiences.
10. BREATHE
Again, this is a standard for me, but so important. Breathe. It will all pass....as my Granny would say "Vick, this too will pass...." All experiences morph into memories.....breathe, and relax.
#divorce #solutions #advice #happiness #selfworth #hope
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