How to survive!

Well this is a touchy subject for me, I mean who goes through a divorce and actually says they want to spend ANY sort of time with their ex, never mind the very sacred and special day that is Christmas. I have been a single parent now for 3 years and this will be my 4th Christmas dealing with/or not dealing with (fingers crossed, and toes, and eyes!) the drama that is dished up with the turkey and stuffing! 1. WHAT WORKS FOR YOU? - You know, it is different for each couple. Some; those lucky few; WHOLE, CHILLED, RESPECTFUL, SWEET and UNDERSTANDING, kind of folk (I do NOT fit in this category may I quickly add!) manage to all sit down together, swap gifts, and eat their Christmas dinner without wanting to stab their ex with the carving knife, or even the butter knife, should that be closer at hand. I learned my limits very fast the first year which was I would say up there in the top 3 most awkward, frustrating, irritatitng, skin crawling and cringe worthy moments of my entire life....

I am just thinking about monogamy tonight, and is it actually a natural state of being…for any of us I mean? How does one survive a monogamous committed relationship with out fear, insecurity, doubt, jealousy, dissatisfaction and that is just to name a few? I am going to go through the 13 rules of surviving in a committed relationship, bear in mind that this is all coming from my perspective!    1.   You fall in love. You experience deep sweet desires, irrepressible lust,   butterflies in your tummy (this could also be gas, caused by anxiety of waiting to see if they call or come to see you that day). I guess you need to be chilled, and cool, and not bossy and needy. Men love their space, their boy time. I was the boys girl growing up, so I am very well aware and versed of and in this sacred "GUY TIME". Believe me ladies, they really get up to very little, I have borne witness to this too many times to mention, and the occurrences at these events are too mono...

Well, today started and continued in the same vain as it commenced; confusing, unsettling and to be all round honest, utterly dismal. I have no idea what it is exactly that is troubling my thoughts, I have kept busy all morning, walked the dogs, sent emails, cooked soup, cleaned and re arranged my sons bedroom....I even did my workout first thing. Yet even amidst all this distraction, hustle and bustle, I was, and still am, ill at ease. I have had some friends that I have gotten close to recently, perhaps too close, perhaps too many expectations on myself and them. I tend to do that. I tend to jump in feet first and hope I surface to air after I plunge into the water. Sometimes, this surfacing to take that very much needed breath, is harder and longer than I had previously hoped. You become red in the face, desperately reaching for the top, using all your energy and strength and force of will, only to discover when you do hit that surface, that what you thought you were jumping into,...

 Am I alone? Is alone not just a state of mind? I don't know where to start with this, yet inside of my heart, where truth and honesty and acceptance reside, I know the answers lie there within. The longer I am single, the more access I have to this protected, mostly ignored and pushed aside part of my heart. The longer I am single, the more desire I have to search for these answers in order to both gain and keep up my strength. I tell you, that my strength wanes, rattles, tilts, and shakes; more than I can begin to describe. For the most part this "strength", it is merely a shell, a cocoon inside which the true and vulnerable, the loving and forgiving side of me takes shelter. I thrive in here, I can own my thoughts, plan how to paint the outside of this shell so people are entertained, awed, made to laugh or cry, by the creations of the me inside. Oh yes, we are all decorators of our outer casing. Whether we realize it or not. My imagination runs wild. I can ...